"You said, 'Aint it just like the present, to be showing up like this?' As the moon waned to crescent, we started to kiss." -Bon Iver

Kuta beach. Cheap, warm and beautiful. During the day it's about 80 degrees, the beach is full of friendly (if not slightly aggressive) locals and a lot of Aussie tourists. Cold beers, beach side massages, palm trees, grungy local dogs begging food. Paradise.





I did not arrive during the day.

I got in at midnight and apparently something was happening on Legian - the main drag of Kuta - that my taksi driver kept calling "Bali Gem." He told me it meant I had to walk part of the way since the streets were blocked. I asked what he would do in Bali if he were me and he said, "Yes." I asked how far I would have to walk and he said, "Bali Gem." I got some pretty shaky directions and set off down Legian.

Bali Gem turned out to be a big to-do that brings out the tourists and locals in droves. It was like nothing I've ever seen.

The first thing to know about Kuta is that the scooter rules the streets. Locals drive them around and hire out the back seat to tourists. They WILL run your ass down.





You can identify the scooter drivers because as you pass, they shout "Transport?" and make the motion of a handlebar accelerator. Some "Kuta Cowboys" accept "Thank you, no," but many will drive along side you and keep asking, eventually giving up or moving on to other business proposals. Mostly hash, but also mushrooms, "massage" (Jesus, anything but both at once) cocaine and some small white pills that I figured were speed, but looked to be packaged very officially. When I finally asked, "No, but what the hell is that?" the woman said, "Cialis? Viagra?" Everyone is friendly, but everyone has an agenda. That's cool. It means you know where you stand.

You can identify my hotel because it is a hundred steps from the memorial for the nightclub bombing in 2002. It is a large stone structure listing the names of the dead organized by country of origin. There are two hundred and two names.





You can identify the tourists because they are well and truly shit-hammered. As in, Hunter and the Samoan attorney walking into the casino on ether, hammered. There's some very potent (potentially poisonous) local liquor that I might have to try....

You can identify the prostitutes ("butterfly ladies") when they grab your arm as you pass, make eye contact and say, "Fuck?"

I think I'll cancel most of my stay in Kuta and go to Ubud. It's where the Enchanted Monkey Forest lies and when I said to my taksi driver "Ubud?" He said, "Yes, chill, quiet, artist." By a long shot our best back and forth. I told him I liked monkeys and he laughed at me.





I need to learn how to haggle, I'm shit at haggling. The exchange rate is a bit confusing (8900 rupiah is 1 USD) and everything costs maybe half of even the cheapest places In the states, but Balinese people love to haggle so I'm going to figure it out. My primary inspiration is to buy a ton of these dirty bumper stickers. I guess maybe the Aussies like them. I do too.





(There's a certain charm to "A BANCHONG STOLE MY PURSE," and "I <3 BIG FAT PUSSY," but my current fave is "UP THE BUM NO BABY'S") I'm gonna eat some Cialis and boomers and go scare the locals. PEACE.

Location:Kuta Beach, Bali